Throughout the years, I’ve had the occasion to talk to my friends. Or rather, they’ve talked to me…shared secrets. My main characteristic; I don’t judge. It’s not that I don’t care, because I do-judgment about ones actions or thoughts I don’t feel it’s my place to say what is wrong or what isn’t. So, my friends, male and female will talk to me about their life changing actions…decisions…results.
Affair…What the fuck? First of all, who gave it that mantra? It lacks a certain je ne sais quoi…dalliance gives it more of what it is. Affairs are planned. Affairs involve invites…caterers…months of due diligence for success. Dalliances are casual, not planned; they happen on a spur of the moment…most often, you never saw it coming. You look up it’s there. A sudden wash of emotion that careens over you…feeling giddy, happy, and nervous all at the same time. There is no longevity…no future…no promise of forever. And it usually ends as quickly as it began. Sex is the good, the bad and ugly.
The good; you feel alive. You’re full of anticipation, which is the corner stone for having good sex. The bad; it’s never your partner, your significant other, which is also the corner stone for the great sex. The ugly; is how it ends and the sex is still good or maybe not and that’s why one of you has decided to move on.
I ask you. Does that sound anything like an affair?
No, because it’s a casual sexual encounter. Americans make more of this than they should. Sometimes a dalliance can be good for a relationship. The first rule is, consent. The second rule is, consent. The third rule is, consent…got that?
Stale relationships often end, when all it may have needed was a short, casual jump start. When a car battery won’t start, what do you do? You jump start it in hopes that it will get you to the mechanic. Let’s say for discussion sake, that the mechanic is life…dalliance. Sometimes you need to walk across the grassy knoll to see if indeed the grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes it’s not and you learn to appreciate what you have.
Emotions are the one thing we cannot control. We have no way to say; I want to love this person…that person. The underlying of emotion is lust. Therein lies the problem. You lust for someone you shouldn’t because you’re lust committed to another.
So, this is where my friends confide in me. They know I will listen and not advise them. I listen and without being the devil’s advocate. I listen and allow them to voice those inner feelings that they can’t express to their significant other. Most always in the beginning, that person will see the object of their desire as perfection. Lust has a way of blinding the mind’s eye to what is real. It’s not until after the lust has died or dalliance is over that they can admit that the object of their affection wasn’t that great, had a flaw or was an asshole-great lay-asshole just the same.
It’s not for me to say. So I listen. I give them my complete attention and most importantly, I ask questions. I am pro active, because when it’s done, I’m the one who they’ll call upon for consolation and commiseration. Unless, of course, the whole thing is blown to bits by discovery-that in itself is another chapter for another time. But, at the end of any dalliance, commiserating is a must-it helps ease the conscious.
I’ve learned this by listening; be honest with yourself when you’re dalliance-don’t think it’s going to last because nine times out of ten it’s not, be smart-not get caught-there’s no need to break anyone’s heart for a short term thing and remember if you have to tell someone-think about the rest of your life. That person will know your dirty little secret for the rest of your life, weather you remain friends or not. And for heaven’s sake, above all, never ever no matter what; say the “L” word. If you’re not going to share your bank account number, your ATM pin then why on earth would you say the “L” word?
Enjoy the sensations, the secret meets, the hideaway meals, the bottles of wine, the laughs, the looks, the complements and the flirting…Dalliance.